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| twas yestereve at Sierra Nevada College, after the test, an evening of umbrellas turned inside-out, night sky in place already since five, endlessly melting despite minimal temperatures, that i navigated between herculine gales through the parking lot, to finally reach my destination, drenched but pleased. i was due at work in twenty minutes, i turned the key then ground my teeth... if one leaves ones headlights on for two hours, ones car no longer starts. Ten nickels in the slot, if the call hadn't been local it'd have been twenty, work says it's ok, collect call and Daddy's coming soon.
Torrential downpours and highvoltage batteries, yahoo! it isn't working, the car will not jump start, we could be doing it all wrong and have no idea, it's dark...come back tomorrow. i'm home and then i'm gone again, to Donnie Darko and Chardonnay, he drives well for someone high. So now i'm home for good, i wish i could sleep, but the raindrops stuck in the screen and on the window fascinate me, push-ups until i'm numb, now sleep, now wake up. it's morning, i'm off to save the car, "the devil doesn't get up this early", but cops do, roaming in the parking lot, a ticket? colors become clearer in the light, the jaws at the end of the cables in place, their bites bring the blessed grumble of the engine, salvation.
the fascinating rain drops.
i was just thinking, i wonder if there's such a thing as reverse anorexia, like, you're horribly overweight but you think you're too skinny and so you just gorge yourself atrociously... that'd be such a cool disorder, you'd have a support group around you telling you "NO, you're not skinny, you're fat, don't eat!"...i want that disorder.
"i don't feel comfortable doing this with a lot of people, but for some reason, i feel fine talking to you while taking a shit" -my beloved, The Don, Terrill | | |
| i ate my ham too fast this morning, It was six o'clock and my brain wasn't really working right, i hardly chewed, then i started getting that weird "on-the-brink-of-getting-the-hiccups" feeling. Being rather sociable at that time in the morning, i talked to the ham going down, i said "be at peace, dear ham"... then i realized that what i'd just done wasn't particularly sane, and that i should probably tell somebody about it... unfortunately i told the wrong person, Sinai really isn't helpful with these sorts of issues, she just called me a fag and told me to come to Connecticut so she could laugh at me in person. But anyways, It was a really strange experience, and i don't know...it seemed in someway profound, i mean... everything that early in the morning seems profound to me...but this one was different.
So i'm going to start saving up for this summer pretty soon, hoping to visit as many people as possible in a 1 and a half month space of time, it should be fun, i just hope Terrill doesn't abuse me too badly in my sleep...he certainly has threatened and promised to do quite a lot.
So apparantly there's like, a love bug or something going around in England at the moment, both Charles Foreman AND Mark Pharaoh have fallen rather madly in love (not with each other), it's a strange thing to think of my Mark walking around somewhere(rainy i'm sure), hand in hand with...a female.
Um, let me see what else is going on...hmm, i went to a cool bar the other night, it was in the captain quarters of a permenantly docked ferry... one of the girls i was with's father was the live musician, and the other was the guest singer, it sucked though cause i couldn't get any alchohol...i had to shamefully take what was passed over to me in pity by various magnanimous drunkards.
that night i was also driven home by someone both drunk and high, to the beat of Kanye West, but i fastened my seat belt so it's ok.
i'm going to be having my thanksgiving dinner on saturday instead of...whenever thanksgiving is this year because my Aunt has to get Kimo therapy on Monday, and understandibly doesn't want to be too horribly sick to eat...it's all really the same to me really, even better maybe, food sooner is better than food later.
Dear Whitney Simon came down to visit, and we hung out in the mall for a bit, argued about if we were going to get a picture taken with the santa clause, and if we were, who would be on his lap...good times.
Steph and I have decided to get tattoos on our butts, matching ones even, if we can find ones that are good enough for such holy places, i'm thinking...something Britney Spears, but we'll see.
well, this seems like as good a time as any to post this picture, it's of my friend "Big" Ben while playing "Asses Of Fire", such an awesome drinking game, i was the champion.
so in case some of you don't read anything on here, and just look at the pictures or something....well, this is NOT my butt.
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| I often wonder what exactly love is, i read articles written by scientists and pastors alike, they say love is a combination of chemicals, an action sanctioned by God, vasopressin, God himself, just a feeling, what you've done to get that feeling, oxytocin, a piece of a huge boundless benevolent energy that really, honestly, gives a damn...yet somehow lacks consciousness.
how can love be just an action? how can love be just a chemical or hormone? how can love be just some big wonderful thing/being i can't describe and am not at all times sure exists? is it all three? or is it just two? certain actions are accepted as universal proofs of love...or maybe just one, why does dying for someone mean you love them? because you put them ahead of you? is that really all love is? caring more about someone else than yourself? why is that love? if i'd die for lover, friend, and child, do i love them all the same? i could really swear i didn't. if i feel differently about all three, are the differences something other than love? what are they? chemicals in our brain make us kill ourselves, why shouldn't they make us die for someone else? we pray, we feel safe, we feel purpose, endorphins, we are in communion with God, it's indescribable, activated opioid receptors, overwhelming feelings of well-being, press down on the syringe, the ecstacy far surpassing anything you've ever known, never felt this way before, there is no pain, praise Jesus, or if there is it no longer matters, never want to leave this place again, hallelujah! i feel his spirit descending, Hallelujah! analgesia, penetrated blood-brain barrier, short-lived euphoria.
One we know for certain is only chemicals, so why again isn't the other? because we can't describe it? because we just know? because it's like nothing else? do you blame me? i just don't know. do you blame me? for just not knowing? does it even matter? it exists, is that enough? does it really? if it's just chemicals, then it's no better than desire, hate, chocolate...does it matter that THEY exist?
what if love really was just a feeling? what would really be the point in choosing it over any other?
prove to me it is! prove to me it isn't. fair enough, i'm not getting anywhere. why can't anything be clear? because either we're reading a universe out of nothing, or because we wouldn't be able to fulfill our sole purpose, which is to please(by loving) a being that made us for himself and eludes the adjective "selfish"(which would be the opposite of love) because some of us get something out of it at the end(no need to mention that it's a very small percentage and that the other rather large amount gnash their teeth until the end of endless time).
i can't help but feel screwed over, i don't know which direction not to
look next.
if love isn't really love, if it falls in the same category as whatever it was that caused me to grow hair on my chin back in the day, then what exactly is the point in anything at all? why won't i let myself believe that? self preservation on some subconscious level?
it'd really be so much easier, simplicity and a half and half chance...
but no, stubbornly clinging i tell myself just give it one last shot, everytime, just one last shot, i don't need a reason and i never have. reasons are generally regarded as essential to making any decision, but if i've ever had any they've certainly hidden themselves well.
what if it was chemicals? what if there really was no hope?
but no, it can't be, why? because it can't, i don't know, it can't,
give me more reasons, why? i've given you two already, it can't and it can't, they've been good enough this far, why shouldn't they be now?
so it's settled, it can't, and i can't rid myself of this gnawing in the back of my head, it's settled then.
so who's going to watch me die?
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| So i was feeling cheerful, and i was thinking....Is the sole meaning of our existence really just to please a "supreme" being during and after our lives? And is it really only through the knowlegde and acceptance of this fact that we can finally fill the void? Did he create this hole so that at least, if we don't please him, we won't ever be fully pleased ourselves? Is burning in hell for all eternity so mild a punishment, that even for the short spans of our lives we should be plagued with this inability to feel complete?
And isn't it funny that of all things, it's my sense of justice that keeps me away from the epitome of all that is fair, lovely, and good? That i should love and worship all that he stands for yet that i should constantly bear such resentment, doubt, and mistrust towards him?
Why do i even believe in him? I once cut all the ties, fed myself on nothingness and lies, day in and day out, but i just couldn't make it go away... Was it my parents? Was it the way i was raised? Why wouldn't it go away? Why is it that when i don't believe in him with my head, my heat does, and that when i do believe in him with my head, my heart doesn't?
If life isn't fair, then why should the after-life be? Isn't it all like writing an equation? if the beginning's screwed up, won't everything that follows, no matter how perfectly done it is, amount to nothing when the sum of it all shows itself to be incorrect? Are they two separate equations? Are they not tied, one to the other?
Have faith, why should I? you think "why shouldn't I ?" is really a suitable answer?
Have faith. I can't or i won't? Is it i won't because i can't, or i can't because i won't? it's not i can't but i will, because i won't, and it's not i can but i won't, because i can't....
my WAY too cool new cup
just some eulogistic photo
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| well, it seems this week was a "stick a needle in phil's arm" week because i got a lot of needles stuck in my arm...and i don't mean a lot like one or two, oh no, i mean a lot like three.
i bought the new thrice cd, and am already loving it to pieces...it seems to fit perfectly with the way i'm feeling these days somehow...i love it when songs answer back.
i heard that there was a hookah bar in town, my sister and I are really stoked about that and our already employing the majority of our vast resources to locate it...no luck so far, but we remain optimistic.
i really hate to get physicals, hate getting molested by old men, hate being told i'm perfectly healthy as if i didn't know it....because i do, know it, and even if i didn't i really wouldn't want to know...
PHD toting bastards, i'll skin them all.
i have today and tomorrow off, i'm quite frisky about that, i get to finish off catch-22...i'm really digging it so far, it cracks me up.
well nothing much else happening other than i've started working in the cosmetics section of the store...
standing around surrounded by calvin klein obsession and other foul smelling perfumes, giving my favorite, and most common answer to any frustrated looking middle aged woman foolish enough to ask me any question about any of the product...." i don't know, ask that girl over there" .
i like cowboy hats.
good times
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